J u s t B r e a t h e

It keeps you alive

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Buncha Questions. Yup.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

I would probably be somewhere between the ages of 21-24. I feel like, generally, I know more than I would have as a teenager, but not a whole lot more.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying is worse, because it leaves you with a big empty feeling like you could have done the thing, had you tried. There’s no guarantee of failure, and how hard it hits you depends on your own ability to cope with failure. If you can see it as something to learn from, then failure isn’t as bad.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

I think we do things we don’t like, and don’t do things we DO like, in order to please other people around us, for various reasons. I think fear is the biggest reason. Fear of having someone disappointed in you, or fear of people questioning or doubting you, or fear of exposing yourself to others. I think “doing things you don’t like doing” can be hidden behind a veil of selflessness, but I believe it’s less noble and more an act of self-preservation. You could think, “I’m doing this errand because mom asked me too and I like doing favors for her”, but I think it’s more like, “I’m doing this errand because I don’t want mom to think that I’m lazy or can’t be relied upon.”

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I think so, definitely. Aside from the fact that I wish more than the world can give me, I can’t possibly do all the things I’d like to do. Even the realistic goals, I don’t think I’ll accomplish in the end.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

I would like to wipe everything off the face of this planet and start all over again, because we are irreversibly fucked.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Professional cuddler.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I am doing what I believe in. I believe in living my life, simple as that. I have no explicit path to follow or specific goals in mind so I wouldn’t even know where I’d settle if I could. I have settled before and very much disliked it, so for now I’m flying by the seat of my pants and I think I’m doing fine.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

In this situation, let’s give the scenario that some mad scientist released a toxin into the air that killed everyone over 40, and was shown to kill people as soon as they reached 40. So, I would have 15 years of life left. I would say, “Fuck it.” to just about everything. I would quit my job (if I had one), and I would spend the rest of my years with someone I love, doing things together that make us happy.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I’d have to say, up until recently, very little. I’ve always done as people have told, even when I didn’t want too. Recently, I’ve taken the reigns over just a little, but in the end, even forces stronger than me will have say over what I do.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I want to do things “right”. I can do as many things as I want, right or wrong, but if I do them “RIGHT”, then I won’t get caught for doing things wrong. Huehuehuehuehue…

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

I like to stand up for people who are close to me, especially when the criticism is unjustified. If my friend did something bad which deserves criticism then okay, yeah whatever. But if these people are criticizing them for no reason, so basically talking shit, I would definitely tell them to shut their fucking mouths.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Do what you love, no matter what anyone says. Seriously, fuck everyone else and be badass. Family members around you are only there to help guide you when you’re young but, regarding your life, don’t listen to anyone but yourself. If you’re not happy with the direction of your life, don’t do it just because the family expects you too.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

That’s really vague, but… maybe? I wouldn’t murder an innocent person, but I would murder someone if that person is putting my loved one in danger.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Yes. Interestingly enough, I saw this in piercings and tattoos. When I was young, I used to be amongst those people who dislike both and think they are poor life choices but as I’ve grown older and grown much more open, I’ve come to really love them and see them as expressions of creativity and not merely impulsive, regrettable acts.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Think. Everyone thinks differently. My boyfriend told me so.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

That is because everyone is unique, and has different likes and dislikes. Just as I dislike most of the things that other people like. It’s no big deal.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?

I want to do something creative in my life. I want to be a tattoo artist, and have wanted to for a very long time. What has held me back, is putting other’s wants before mine. I went to university for a program I didn’t want to do, wasting 4 years of my life that I could have spent practicing my art. Now, I’m rusty and older and feel like, by now I could have been something had I done what I originally wanted.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

A fart.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

I would move back to British Columbia in Canada, because that is where my family lives and the only place that is/will ever feel like home to me. I haven’t lived there in a very long time.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

I push it more than once, maybe sometimes if I’m bored but I don’t believe it makes it go faster.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Honestly, I would rather be a joyful simpleton. I worry enough already, and it feels absolutely horrible. I would really just like to be happy and carefree. If I were a simpleton, I don’t think I would even be aware of what I’d be missing out on as a genius.

22. Why are you, you?

I was born, and circumstances and situations have carved me into what I am today.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

I think I am a very good friend, albeit a long distance one…

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Losing touch with a good friend who lives near you is worse because it’s an avoidable pain. It doesn’t take much to keep in touch, yet it happens anyways. When a person moves, it’s usually because they must. It’s not always a choice they’re happy with. But when a person near to you loses touch, it means at some point you can be certain that they’ve stopped caring about you enough to contact you. When you think of that person near you, it hurts to know that they’ve allowed it so you’re not an important part of their life anymore.

25. What are you most grateful for?

This will sound a little sappy, but whatever. I am most grateful for my boyfriend. Before he was my boyfriend, he was my very good friend and, whether he knew it or not, he helped me a lot. I was in a relationship I absolutely hated, in a life I hated, being a person that I hated. I wanted to be this person in my imagination but I had no one in my personal life who would support me in that transformation. When I would tell my mom, she’d act like it was a phase (I’m fucking 25, I’m done with phases) and when I would tell my now ex, he reacted so badly that he seriously said things like he wanted to kill himself because I was changing. And the stupid thing is, the changes I wanted in my life weren’t that crazy. I wanted to cut my hair, get tattoos and piercings and just be happy with myself, but I guess this was a lot for people to handle. But my now-boyfriend was very supportive, and encouraged me to do what makes me happy. He taught me a lot about the things we were both interested in, and he made me feel like I’d met someone who accepted who I was and the things I wanted in life. Even in that small way, he really changed my life for the better. I honestly think I’m a more whole person today because of him.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

I would prefer to lose my old memories. In the end, memories are just things to hold onto. Sometimes they’re nice to have around, but tangibly they’re nothing. As much as I wouldn’t necessarily like to lose my old memories, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with only those old memories, never making any new ones.  

27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

We don’t know anything is truth unless we hold it up against something else for comparison and challenge what we know of it. If we took everything at face value, we wouldn’t know anything at all, certainly not the truth.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

My life isn’t over yet, so I suppose not…

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

No, I suppose it doesn’t really matter now, although I believe that those things that upset me helped forge who I am.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

I have very few memories of my childhood, but I’ve always remembered the fun Erika and I had with David Roberts: The Butt Touching Fiend (inside joke, sort of). It was just really, really immature silliness but it’s one of those moments you can bring up a decade later and it still makes us laugh.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

I haven’t felt that way in a really long time, if ever, in fact. I’d say the closest I get, it when I’m doing something to improve myself physically (stretching my ears, shaving my head, etc) because that’s a small step towards being who I want to be. That, or fucking my boyfriend.

32. If not now, then when?

Later?

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

I have nothing to lose.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

I don’t think that’s considered a conversation. I’d say something that that could be called a pleasurable listening experience, but not a conversation. If I’m with someone, and they’re saying something that’s appealing to me, I will usually join in with the talking.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Religions don’t do anything. People are stupid, and people do stupid shit in the name of religion. If religion were a person, it would probably hate us for what we do to bastardize its good name.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Maybe? I can’t really form an opinion on that right now.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

I have no job. But if I did, I still wouldn’t quit it because a million dollars is a lot, but it’s isn’t enough to buy me everything I want and support me for the rest of my life. I would use my money to buy what I need to get a job I’d love, then I’d quit my old one.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

I would rather have more work that I enjoy doing.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Mhm..

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Never.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I guess… my mom?

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

I already figure I’m going to die early, so yeah, why not?

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive is simply surviving. Truly living is experiencing the time you have on Earth and appreciating it.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

Right now.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

We’re afraid to make mistakes because the learning we get through it is not fun. By mistakes, we learn through shame and embarrassment not to do those things again. If it weren’t a negative form of learning, they wouldn’t be called mistakes.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I don’t know.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Every night when I’m going to sleep. I have asthma and sinus problems, and tend to breathe through my mouth. Experience has taught me that it’s “weird” to breathe through your mouth, so I try to control myself so I don’t do it. Or if I must, I try not to make it so loud.

48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love my boyfriend. I kiss him and tell him so many times, every day.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

I doubt it. Even if what I did was especially interesting, I have a loose grasp of time so I wouldn’t recall when it had actually happened.

50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

No. 

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